Many of us spend so much time looking for comfort outside of ourselves. We may believe that we need something or someone in order to feel complete, happy, or fulfilled. Sometimes, that comfort can come from things like shopping, drinking, staying busy, or even holding onto relationships that no longer truly support us.
The reason we reach for these things is often because they temporarily help us avoid difficult emotions. When sadness, stress, anxiety, loneliness, or frustration show up, we naturally want relief. We want something that can make those feelings disappear, even for a short moment.
For example, if someone turns to alcohol whenever they feel overwhelmed, they may begin to rely on drinking as their way of coping. If someone believes they need a relationship to feel happy or worthy, they may start depending on that person whenever they experience emotional pain.
The challenge is that anything outside of ourselves is constantly changing. People can come into our lives and leave. Relationships can grow, change, or end. Plans can shift. Someone we deeply care about may not always be available in the way we need them to be.
When our happiness depends entirely on something external, we give away a lot of our emotional power.
When We Start Looking Outside Ourselves for Validation
One example of this shows up often in dating.
Imagine you meet someone new. Instead of paying attention to how you actually feel around them, whether they bring out the best in you, whether you feel safe, respected, and valued, your focus shifts toward questions like:
“Do they like me?”
“Did I say too much?”
“Should I have acted differently?”
“What do they think about me?”
Instead of being curious about whether this person is a good match for you, you become focused on proving that you are enough for them.
This is something many people experience, especially those who are used to achieving, pleasing others, or taking care of everyone around them. Sometimes, in relationships, we can become so focused on being chosen that we forget to ask ourselves if we are choosing someone who truly aligns with us.
This connects deeply with the idea of how high-achieving women lose themselves in relationships. When we measure our worth through someone else’s attention, approval, or love, we slowly disconnect from our own needs, feelings, and identity.
Learning to Become Your Own Safe Place
You may have heard the saying, “You can’t truly love someone else until you love yourself.”
While this phrase is often repeated, it is really about building a healthy relationship with yourself first.
Loving yourself does not mean you will never feel sadness, anxiety, stress, or fear. Those emotions are part of being human. The goal is not to eliminate difficult feelings but to build your ability to experience them without immediately needing something outside of yourself to make them go away.
This process can feel uncomfortable at first. Working on yourself can sometimes feel intimidating because it requires you to slow down, reflect, and become more aware of your own thoughts and emotions.
I like to think of this process as dating yourself.
When you are getting to know someone new, you naturally become curious about them. You learn what they enjoy, what makes them happy, what hurts them, what helps them feel calm, and what they need.
Imagine offering yourself that same curiosity.
Getting to know yourself means understanding:
- What brings you joy?
- What triggers you emotionally?
- What helps you feel grounded?
- What values matter most to you?
- What do you need in order to feel supported?
The more you understand yourself, the stronger your relationship with yourself becomes.
Why Positive Affirmations Don’t Always Feel Helpful
This is also why some people find that affirmations do not work for them.
Imagine a stranger walking up to you and saying, “You are amazing. You are wonderful. You are enough.”
You might appreciate the kindness, but part of you may think, “You don’t even know me.”
Sometimes our subconscious mind reacts the same way. If we have spent years believing thoughts like:
“I’m not enough.”
“I’m missing something.”
“I’ll never find the right person.”
“How am I going to get through this?”
Simply repeating positive statements may not feel believable because there is no deeper relationship or trust built behind those words.
Real change happens when we begin creating evidence within ourselves that we can be there for ourselves.
Healing the Relationship You Have With Yourself
My work as a licensed psychotherapist and happiness transformation coach is focused on helping people shift these deeply held beliefs through evidence-based frameworks.
Whether someone is struggling after heartbreak, experiencing betrayal trauma recovery, or trying to rebuild their sense of self after a painful relationship experience, healing begins with understanding the thoughts and patterns that keep us feeling stuck.
For some people, this may involve therapy for cheating trauma, counseling after a partner cheated, or learning how to process the emotional impact of a relationship that caused deep hurt.
Healing after betrayal is not just about moving on from what happened. It is about rebuilding emotional safety within yourself and learning that your worth was never dependent on someone else’s choices.
The post healing process involves reconnecting with yourself, rebuilding trust in your own decisions, and creating a life where your happiness is not controlled by another person.
Becoming the Person You Are Looking For
The goal is not to stop needing connection. Human beings are naturally wired for relationships and belonging.
The goal is to create a strong enough relationship with yourself that anyone who enters your life adds to your happiness instead of becoming the source of it.
When you genuinely enjoy your own company, respect yourself, and feel comfortable being who you are, your standards naturally change.
You stop asking:
“Will they choose me?”
And you begin asking:
“Do I choose them?”
Because when you truly value yourself, anyone who comes into your life should meet the level of love, respect, and care you already give yourself.
The comfort you are searching for is not something you need to find outside of yourself.
It is something you can learn to create within.
I created a video on our YouTube channel you can CHECK IT OUT HERE.
love always,
dani
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p.s. Whenever you’re ready… here are a couple of ways you and I can connect beyond this blog:
1. Grab a copy of my Amazon Bestselling book, Stories of an Ex-Party Girl: How to feel happy and good about yourself without alcohol and drugs It’s a tell all guide on how to create a joy-filled life, without needing validation and fulfillment from other things or people. You can grab it on Amazon and on Kindle. — Click Here.
2. Join our FREE community! The 𝘈𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 Lounge is a community; a resource to improving the quality of your life and cultivating self love. We discuss topics on how to manage waves of intense challenging emotions, being able to navigate conflict, express feelings better, get clear on and establish boundaries, and improve communication and relationships.